Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
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Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Botany good plants lately?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza