*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.