I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My sex drive has a dui
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.