Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
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1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
vegan witches, happy halloween!
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms