7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.