Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Knock Knock
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany