Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.