Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.