I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
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When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
lmao
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?