My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
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I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
This was the best day of my life
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time