Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
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[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.