no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
You Might Also Like
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
This line from Airplane.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
that wasn’t the question
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.