You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
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A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
don’t be scared
I dunno why but this feels like a trap