People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
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I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.