Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
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*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!