She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?