I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.