I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
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I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.