Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil