Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there