Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat