I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude