If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name