Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
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Cherry seeds are just the pits.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not