Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
nyc:
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second