Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
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Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana