When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…