So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
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ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I don’t think my car can fly
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I can’t be the only one 😂
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
crying
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s