Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
accurate
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
But wait…
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.