20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.