Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage