God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
You Might Also Like
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.