I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Finally a use for spoilers…
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?