me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
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Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh