”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Can’t. About to go please some beans
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!