Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
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I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?