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Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.