Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
You Might Also Like
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.