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M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.