I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
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Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀