I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
New favorite tiktok
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?