Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti