Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
You Might Also Like
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan