As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
this came to me in a vision
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?