[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
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Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My birth announcement for our third baby
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator