I changed my mind..ππΎπͺπ
You Might Also Like
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isnβt a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Them: you know whatβs good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
β¦youβre right, I do feel better now.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Me [crying]: I just donβt understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Yes Iβve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Me: βHey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?β
5yo: βYeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?β
Me: βNo, weβll go to the pet store.β
5yo: βOh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?β
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I havenβt had a raise in eight years:
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
That was easy.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
*puts my mental health in rice
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didnβt even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, βToo soon.β
Iβm sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.