People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
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Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
That de-escalated quickly
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.