7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
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I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing