Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
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Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident