Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
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4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
#ParentingFacts
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok